trying

I tried so hard

I tried so hard to be heard,
That my cries became sirens
And fell on covered ears.

I tried so hard to be seen,
That my flailing arms
Became a blur in the background.

I tried so hard to love
i missed the mark
and tore through heart,
Leaving it bleeding

I tried so hard to hear
That I dissected the words
Instead of listening.
At times denying what I heard
And mixing the words into stories
Louder than what was said

I tried so hard to understand,
That I only got more confused.

I tried so hard to be loved
That my pulling pushed away

I tried so hard to push through
that I pushed myself doqwn

I tried so hard to get it right
That I got it all wrong.

In a world of no real right answers,
no real right way,
i feel lost
swimming in a sea without a lighthouse.

i don't know how i've been able to look like i'm standing tall
while i'm limping.

I stumble while looking as if I’m running.
i fumble while seeming like I’m conducting
A symphony of trials and errors
unintentionally cacophonous...
Calling it jazz.

please see me

I know no one is really getting it right.
though I feel like my wrongs are so much worse
when i realize that my hands shading the sun from my eyes
So I can see
Also cast a shadow on the seeds
i’m trying to grow.

Sometimes it’s me.
Sometimes it’s you.
Sometimes it’s us.
Most of the time,
It doesn’t matter who.
What does matter is how
Forward goes.

I won’t stop trying
to be better.
stop trying
is death to me.
But maybe
sometimes,
i could ask for help
even when I’m scared the answer is silence.
And maybe
sometimes
help makes it
easier
better.

maybe
sometimes
i’ll get an answer.

today
I;m trying to to get up
trying to get out
trying so hard
I haven’t moved.

h