Lessons from Healing: "Who am i?"

Hi. I'm .... me. Shed my name, age, sex...even the events that have happened to me. And I see...feel...am...

i can't describe in words what I have come to realize i am. energy. shapeless. fluid. all and one in the same. borderless. unique but also part of a holistic mass of we.

This has been the most remarkably wild last ...i was about to put a quantity of time, but i actually don't know when the start and beginning is. it seems it's been a wild life.

The "cocoon" I've been in....that i didn't intend for...but needed. i needed this rest. the rest that i've needed this entire lifetime. and i finally took it. it was impelled on me by necessity. my body and mind were breaking...broke...and it's like my soul came down in one fell swoop with a chokehold (somehow still compassionate) and shut my system down to save my soul's flesh vehicle of this lifetime from completely imploding. it was force of a self preservation that was beyond me. i couldn't will myself out of it. i feel a bit "out there" describing this but i know what i experienced. Wildly, i am finally getting answers to the questions i have been asking about mind, body, life and identity since i was 5. 35 years of living to learn, and now the answers are dripping out. Still more to understand, but hey, i'll take the wisdom with the pain of learning. the answers i have are no longer theoretical, they're experential now. i don't know them with my mind, but i know them in embodiment.

Learning

What i've learned so far through my experience...

Spirit

i've learned through experience that there are entities in/of me that drives this body. this body is not really...me. well, it's me here but it's not the whole of me if anything. there is something that drives life..i call it "spirit" and it's the pure energy force that i believe is singular and whole at the same time... like fractals. The pattern one as part of many. Each has its own fucntion, but that fuction is relevant as a whole. Spirit = pure energy in all the states

Soul

Then there is what i call that my "soul". Soul is the wisdom that i carry, and i believe this wisdom is interegenerational and not just in the hereditary lineage of flesh, but the lineage of life as a whole. Soul gathers wisdom from the eperiences had by the lifetimes lived through the bodies its been in.

Body

Then there is the body, which is the physical system that acts as a player in "life". The body includes the brain, heart, lungs, and etc. The body is the hardware. The body changes and grows. I haven't come up with a philisophical rationale of why yet.

Mind

The mind is the software that processes the input that it receives. It receives information externally and internally. It processes input and produces output. It runs programming, can be reprogrammed, learn and grow.

Feelings.

The body experiences feelings. Feelings i believe are messages to the mind to give direction. They aren't right or wrong, and sometimes if not often, those messages can lead to unhelpful directions if followed without review. Feelings are what make us the creatures we are. Do androids dream of electrical sheep? I don't actually no, but for now, i don't think so?

Thoughts.

Thoughts are the analyzing of input from the external world as well as feelings, which it shares a system with. Thoughts and feelings ARE the system. The living system. Computers don't have thoughts as far as i know... but what do i know. Thoughts work with feelings to create engagement actions, which is the act of living.

The Community of a Being

Since i live in my mind a lot, i have thought and reminated about this A LOT... and am sure i am still missing pieces of understanding. This is what i've come up with to understand what happens in my mind. I say "my" because who am i to say the same happens elsewhere?

• external event--> body
• body--> mind
• inside the mind:
  • input/info receiving (receiving unit)-->
    • external event is processed as input
  • input rough analyzed (analytical unit 1)-->
    • sorting what this input is
    • quickly scans past events to compare this event to and see if there are similarities
    • primal fight-flight-feed-friend kind review
• initial feelings (response and messaging unit)-->
  • reacts to the information with feelings as messages with primary focus to keep body safe
  • quick and unrefined
  • i think soul contributes wisdom here...sometimes? ?? the feeling of "knowing" embodied rather than through thought
• refined processing (anaytical unit 2)-->
  • analyzes feelings to figure what to do next
  • analyzing of messaging (feelings)
  • with training, can review the initial input and recategorize, which returns to previous steps of analyzing and feeling.
  • where the loop happens
• decision making (output prep unit)
  • analysis is processing into "what next" action
  • decisions are to do or not to do....an all have a variety of reasons including....
  • if the process is stuck at looping within the previous units, this unit cannot perform so it doesn't (do nothing decision)
  • picking an action that seems close enough, which can have outcomes that match desire outcome ot not.
  • it's all a gamble, even "educate guesses"
  • loop back to previous steps can happen here
• action (output unit)-->
  • puts the decision into action for output
  • loop and "freeze" can happen here
• body --> world

i still am fuzzy on why this process called life? To learn? WHY are we alive and here? <insert philisophical spiral, and a glass of good red wine please>. Is there not a different better way? Or is THIS the better way? Like, "look here please creatures of life as you know it, you should've seen the last version of learning!".

i do "know"...like embodied experential almost-pansophic-can't-find-the-right-word know that my soul is driving here. But i'm not sure what the "life" of a soul or spirit is. Maybe there is no "lifetime" since time is a marker or bodily and physical passing and experiencing. <headswirl>

Why has this all come up? Because i needed to heal...

Heal what? Well, firstly my body and mind and i guess my soul wasn't ready for it's vehicle to be demolished yet. So it crashed its current physical form into the ocean instead of head-on to a rock, and ...well...I guess it let the engine die and cool, and somehow ...created an air bubble around my body and ...we in some fantstical underwater healing chamber? (maybe i watched too much sci fi at some point...)

Questions I am asking and seeking to understand further...

• How and why does a body and mind get stuck in trauma? Both in the physical realm and bigger picture.
• I don't believe any human can really judge omniscent right and wrong really. But is there a right or wrong universally?
• The edges of interrelational connection and self, where we can accept "other" as individual and also connected to ourselves without harm by "othering"