ACL Repair Day 12

The gals from my morning strength class are so sweet; They've helped me get to the gym today and do some modified upper body exercises. I can't retrieve or put back weights and equipment, so it's been on them to help me. It's been a humbling experience to receive all this help, but also really wonderful and sweet. It was good to work out a bit.

I also saw my accupuncturist, Adrienne at Shift Wellness, whose work on me has been crucial to where I am now. Weeks before the surgery, I finally saw her and explained what was going on with me. I could see and she verbally told me her concern with the state of my nervous system and that I was definitely not in a place for surgery soon. But along with my own dligent care and efforts, I saw her once a week before the surgery for 3 weeks and I swear she did some magic. It's not that accupuncture cures, but it tremendously helped my body get back in a direction where it could shift itself in the right directioan to heal. My nervous system was a wreck and I had pretty much no energy to self heal. Somehow, she helped me shift just enough to be good enough to go into surgery.

Today, I watched her eye widen as she cocked her head and proclaimed "no no no...don't" as I walked towards her. She couldn't believe that I was walking. We went into the treatment room and chatted about my health. Like my physio, she firmly cautioned me to slow down. The progress marker of walking doesn't change that my body went through a major operation slicing through all the fleshy tissues- muscle, ligaments, tendons along with nerves and bone. She emphasized over and over (as my physio did too) that while it's great I'm walking, the real healing is internal and will need it's time. However it's wild that I am in the state I am in after invasive surgery 11 days ago. So what is driving me to the progress as I am at?

1) Nature. I know I my body is resilient, though not unbreakable by any means. A mix of genes along with my will drive me to heal and repair myself, but only if I have enough internal energy and the environment allows enough. It's quite a delicate balance. I'm pretty damn strong if the right supportive conditions are in place.

Ironically, I was sick all the time as a kid. So genes alone aren't it, but I'm starting to believe the environment activates how those gene express. I was born with infections in my whole body and I suffered from a slew of infections as a child that I couldn't fight myself naturally, so I had a mass of both Western and traditional Chinese medcine. What Western medicine couldn't help or helped the symptoms but not the root and sometimes caused other issues, Chinese medicine helped support the root to heal.

2) Nurture. I am in a safe space at home with a supportive loving and caring partner who is doing everything he can to help me. He is tired and exhausted himself, but he never stops loving and caring for me. My community and friends have been important to my progress. From the acts of service and food to the emotional care, I am loved and cared for. I have space to feel and be as I am, even broken down and scared, and am accepted, loved and cared for. They respect where I am at and are people who have willingness and maturity in their capacity to show care. I am being shown the different ways love comes.

As I mentioned above, I also have the support of care from holistic practioners, as well as allopathic. Both play a part in my healing for me. I do spend a lot of money, time and energy towards holistic means of supporting my system, and I believe they do work. Not all,...I trial them and keep what works and ditch what doesn't. What I need also changes, as a natural cycle of life, so I have to be open to respond accordingly.

3) Instinct. Adrienne explained that the drive for animals to survive will allow a maimed being to do what it needs to. Someone suffering a gun wound can run for awhile to escape immediate danger. The undercurrent of my body was still in fight or flight, as confirmed by the waking nightmares I was having that clearly reveals my fear to be unable to fight or flight. Wild. However cool this is, it doesn't mean my actual wound is healing faster - that will take the same amount of time as any wound if its kind.

4) Preparation. I add this because while it's not so much what has driven me to heal, prehap has been crucial to healing like how I am. I never thought I would like weight training. I still don't really like the gym, but I do like the way my body has performed since I started strengh training.

My left knee also underwent ACL hamstring graft surgery and it did not perform anywhere close like this one. I was younger, less prepared, without any health team (including doctor), busy and stressed at work, and in home situation that was not safe. All the factors matter and make a difference.

So while my knee's healing is visible, the greater healing I need to do is less visible to the nonobservant person. My nervous system (brain, spinal cord and nerves), which is very linked to my psyche, is what I need to focus on healing. The rest will come.

I've been writing a lot about healing lately. It feels like a processing piece that goes on and on. That is healing though...a journey. However, shifts and growth are to be had. I would like to co-steer my journey. Like anything else on here, the writing is a stream of consicousness speckled with research from scientific sources, otherly wisdom and my own learned experiences. But I do know that is where I need to focus: my psyche and nervous system.