ACL Repair Day 10
It's funny, in the ironic way, that people think the physical pain and work is the hard part of healing. I would argue, in my experience and in this case, the psychological and emotional part is equally as important, if not more, and much harder. I know it's really 24 months for my knee graft to mature and heal totally. While 2 years can seem, and IS, a long time, it's a timeline I can lean onto. I have a regime, practitioners, milestones and plenty of videos on the topic. I know what I need to do. It'll take a lot of work, patience and commitment, but I'm not afraid to work hard and be committed, so as long as the rest of me is able to, I will do it. Keep my body and mind healthy and stable, at least enough. The experience of being in recovery/injury or "illness" in anthropological lens, is what is hard. It's the feeling of vulnerability that I can't run or fight should I need to. It's not being able to move my body the way I want and need to, which is especially emotionally challenging as physical activity outdoors is a major part of my coping for stress and pressure. I know these reasons are a large part of what is driving me to get to walking as soon as I can, gain strength and heal. The physio has made sure to emphasize that no matter how well a person heals, all grafts need 24 months to mature. With this injury, I have a timeline to count down on. I am fortunate to have help, support and it's not hard to explain the mechanics of the wound/injury. Enough people have experienced it first or second hand to understand it.
I wish it was the same kind of predictable healing strategy for trauma, my nervous system and relationships.
For my knee, the day was good. I'm getting stronger and learning to walk again. I worked out a little- mostly arms and a little core. I can't do any weights alone so it was great to have help. It will be imporant for me to be very careful to only do exercises that do not put weight on my right leg at all, or require it to be bent heavily at this point. All augmentations I'm happy to do in order to get some training in.
I've wondered to myself, what is driving my healing? And the answer I find is haunting. It comes to me in dreams and when I am honest with myself. It's not so much to get back into sport and daily activity, though those are true to. But what comes strongly tells me a lot more about the live I've lived and the state of my psyche. I feel scared that I cannot run or fight back should I need to. While I know that my home is safe, and I have wonderful friends, the world feels unsafe. In reality, for what I am scared of and what truly hurts me at this time, my legs offer the physical means of leaving but doesn't resolve what's in my internal psyche. Nonetheless, a primal instinct in me wants to be able to run or fight if danger is upon me. I am also just an animal.
